


Calm Me Down

by MonsterBoyf



Category: VIXX
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Allusion to past cutting, Bathing/Washing, Both dressing and undressing hyuk but in a sfw way, Established Relationship, Hakyeon is a therapist for some reason, M/M, Self-Indulgent, allusions to depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26437399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonsterBoyf/pseuds/MonsterBoyf
Summary: Hakyeon knows there are many ways to soothe someone.
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Han Sanghyuk | Hyuk
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	Calm Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> the title is a reference to "calm me down" by mother mother which has become my new being depressed song.
> 
> i wrote this for exactly three (3) people excluding myself so if you don't like it idk what to tell you lmao
> 
> cope with having no wife or cg anymore by writing hakyeon being dad :((

The first time, it’s a shock. The second time, Hakyeon was more prepared. By the third time, he knew what role he had to play.

He wasn’t unfamiliar with the whole ‘regression’ deal. He knew of it as a concept, heard of therapists or couples that used it as a tool, he heard his younger more internet savvy patients mention it. It wasn’t unheard of to him, but he had never done any kind of research into it. He never went out seeking to learn more about the dynamic or the tools involved, which were different for everyone. He at least knew that much. He didn’t scoff at it, both as a self identifying empath, and a therapist who was aware of the different forms his work came in. People did what they needed to in order to cope and destress. He wouldn’t be against something so harmless.

His boyfriend, Sanghyuk, questioned it when he had mentioned it. Hakyeon liked to go on tangents about his profession. He loved it and he loved learning about it and sharing that information with the ones he cared about. It was a long rambling about the different forms of more hands on approaches. Things like roleplaying. When Hakyeon got into explaining age regression, Sanghyuk paused for a moment before asking what that was. Hakyeon, turning away from the counter where he was making them lunch, got that spark in his eye he always did when divulging information. Sanghyuk just slowly chewed his sandwich as Hakyeon prattled on about the most basic components of the exercise. That was the extent of their discussion of it. Sanghyuk just staring Hakyeon point blank in the face while he talked about how escapism roleplay could be very helpful to those with conditions like PTSD. It wasn’t mentioned again, and the moment was left on the shelf of memories to only be dusted off again in the, unexpected, future. 

His and Sanghyuk’s relationship was rather new. They hadn’t been friends previously, and it had only been a few months together. Hakyeon by no means was an expert in his boyfriend. He memorized many mannerisms and at times accurately psychoanalyzed, but he didn’t have every single piece of Sanghyuk in his mind. There were still surprises about him that came up. Hakyeon was sure the feeling was mutual, even if he wore much of his personality on his sleeve. He preferred tea to coffee. He was an ex dance kid. Sanghyuk broke a wrist in his combat class and it had never been the same since. He was too tender-hearted to leave hickies on Hakyeon’s neck. There were little mundane shocks that ultimately had no effect on the two of them as a couple. Until there was a surprise that did just that.

Sanghyuk was not prone to ‘drops’ as they were called. Nothing when the two were intimate was really so intense and stimulating that he really suffered from them. He wasn’t always the one being led, but he was more often than Hakyeon was. Hakyeon liked to serve and Sanghyuk was fine being served. Hakyeon called him spoiled, but it was only teasing. The closest he ever saw the younger get to a ‘drop’ was their sometimes more tender aftercare cuddles. They would lay in bed facing one another. Hakyeon would run his hands through Sanghyuk’s sweaty hair, and the younger would rub circles in Hakyeon’s lower back. He did the best pillowtalk Hakyeon ever experienced, something he was typically in charge of in past relationships. He’d tell Hakyeon how beautiful he was, even if he was currently flushed and sweaty, he’d tell him he loved him upwards of a million times while kissing his skin softly. Those sweet moments between them were the closest Hakyeon saw of his partner being intensely vulnerable, outside of tears. It was not a drop, but as close as Sanghyuk seemed capable. 

The first occurrence though seemed to spawn from, or be deeply related to, this tender instance between them. Sanghyuk was the one to approach him, delicately kissing his neck from behind and asking if they could make time. Hakyeon agreed, putting it off until after they ate. It was typical for them. Good, dirty, exhausting play. Sanghyuk wanted to receive, and he wanted to hold onto Hakyeon doing so. Not unusual, the big sap. Finished, exhausted, and content, Hakyeon did as always and dropped himself down beside Sanghyuk at the end, both of them looking up towards the ceiling. Quiet except for the two of them breathing deeply, before Sanghyuk rolled over, draping himself over Hakyeon’s side.

“Baby, I’m gross,” He laughed off, rubbing Sanghyuk’s back anyway. Having Sanghyuk on him always reminded him of a weighted blanket and Hakyeon couldn’t think of anything he minded less. Sanghyuk kept his face down in Hakyeon’s skin and just stayed there while his breath evened out. Hakyeon, whether it was from years of giving people therapy, or just his social aptness, felt an awkwardness filter into the air around them. Something was just a little off, but distinctly enough that Hakyeon shifted his body carefully under Sanghyuk. “Are you okay, baby?”

“You remember that thing you were talking about?” Spoken into Hakyeon’s skin.

“You’ll have to be more specific, Hyogi. I talk a lot.” Brief hesitation. 

“The age thing.”

“Is this a lead-in for a joke about my age again, young man?”

“No.” Hakyeon frowned, not sure where he was going with this subject. He was hiding his face though, meaning it was something Hakyeon shouldn’t just jokingly dismiss. Sanghyuk was very rarely a hider. 

“I’m sorry, but I don't know what you’re hinting at?” Sanghyuk huffed, and Hakyeon could feel him pouting his lips. He was trying to get Hakyeon to say it for him.

“The age regression thing. Where people act like babies.”

“Oh!” Hakyeon felt like now wasn’t the time to correct him in saying it wasn’t strictly babies. Sanghyuk just nodded once. Hakyeon moved the hand he used to rub his back to instead pet his hair, trying to reassure. “What about it, dear?” Sanghyuk licked his lips. He would do that when he tried to work out his words in the way he wanted.

“I looked it up a bit.”

“Did something make you uncomfortable then? You don’t have to research into all the little things I talk about. I know some of it can be a little gross or overwhelming.”

“No.” Hakyeon blinked, waiting for the correction. He was a little thrown off at the bluntness of the reply. He was certainly shifting to concern now. 

“So what did you find out then?” Sanghyuk did something Hakyeon didn’t expect. He seemed to coil up further, bring himself into more of a fetal position with Hakyeon sandwiched between his arms and legs. Hakyeon kept his hand in the younger’s hair, trying to ground him. He knew upset and embarrassment when he saw it. Sanghyuk put his mouth to Hakyeon’s skin, trying to muffle. 

“I think it’s-neat.” Hakyeon hesitated jumping to the next logical conclusion. Sanghyuk seemed like he needed the help getting this out though. 

“Neat as in it’s an interesting area of therapy to study, or neat as in you would like to try it?” He tried to sound as gentle as possible, not slanting his voice to the assumed right answer of the latter. Sanghyuk just nodded. “Yes to which one, Hyogi?”

“Both.”

"Ah." It came out of Hakyeon's mouth as a breath, almost silent. A beat of silence. "Is that the space you're in now? Is that why you mention it, baby?" Hakyeon tried to use the word delicately. Even so, hearing it in the given context made it feel like it was in bold, highlighted bright yellow. 

"I don't know…" Hakyeon's heart pattered at how soft he seemed and sounded. It couldn't be an easy thing to admit. A fear of rejection would obviously be there, with something assigned as socially taboo. Hakyeon sighed gently from his nose. He rubbed over Sanghyuk's forehead with a thumb. 

"If you need me to take care of you, Hyogi, I'll be happy to. I just need to know how, baby." Sanghyuk whined, and Hakyeon resisted a minute smile. Very cute. 

“Hakyeon.”

“Yes, baby?” Hakyeon was being a little playful now. It was as light of a tease as they came. Sanghyuk shifted how he laid though, uncoiling and instead putting his arms around Hakyeon’s neck. He hid his face again, but it didn’t seem as much a bad omen now with his temple against Hakyeon’s cheekbone. Hakyeon wrapped an arm around his lower back and pulled the blanket up so it could actually be used as a cover. Sanghyuk seemed to remember the fact his clothes were on the floor at the gesture. Hakyeon smiled seeing him try to look over discreetly in their direction before hiding his face again. 

“Do you need something, baby?” Sanghyuk huffed. The warm puff of air on Hakyeon’s skin made him blow a little amused breath of his own. 

“We should probably get dressed…” Sanghyuk’s words were noticeably muffled. Not like he was covering his mouth, but like he was intentionally trying to underununciate. A shy little boy.

“We probably should, hm Hyogi?” despite his words, he just clinged onto Hakyeon further. Hakyeon kissed the point right before the shell of his ear. “Do you want me to get your clothes?” 

“Don’ go.” Hakyeon couldn't do anything  _ but _ smile at that.

“I’m just going to be a foot away, Hyogi. The closet is right there.” It was. A set of white sliding doors that opened to Hakyeon’s clothes was right next to the nightstand. “Would you rather come with me?” Sanghyuk hesitated before slipping his arms away from Hakyeon and sitting up. He took the blanket with him and quickly averted his eyes when he saw Hakyeon. It was so odd, Hakyeon mused as he sat up himself. It was still Sanghyuk, he was still large, still oozing masculinity with his features, but it also felt like a different person in the bed. It could be simply said as he was seeing his boyfriend in a new light, but it didn’t feel as simple and miniscule as those words did. While nothing changed except for outward demeanor, it felt like something monumental had occurred. Hakyeon could liken it to that first realization of who you are. You know yourself more intimately than any other being, but when you figure out who you are, it could feel groundbreaking. Nothing changed, but perspective was an intense thing. Hakyeon kept his back to Sanghyuk, trying to respect his decency. He stepped into his underwear first. It was odd, yet fitting, to say he felt a little exposed. In a state so childlike, it felt wrong to be caught bare in front of him.

Hakyeon picked Sanghyuk’s clothes from the floor. He had already changed to something more comfortable than what he was in during the day before they fell into bed together. 

“Do you want these back on, or should i get new clothes?”

“Those’re fine.” Hakyeon held out the clothes in his hands, expecting Sanghyuk to take them. He did put his hand on them, but he seemed to hesitate. 

“Do i need to help you get dressed too, baby?” Hakyeon teases again. He feels a little more confident in it this time. He doesn’t know what response to expect, but he feels like it was a likely ‘yes’. Even if it wasn’t, Sanghyuk was never too hurt by teasing. He’d at most tell Hakyeon to fuck off if he wasn’t in the mood. Sanghyuk was not one you could set off. He glanced up at Hakyeon, and the elder was quick to see he would tear aparts cities for those timid eyes. He blinked up at him, then looked back down at the clothes while licking his lip. He nodded, and Hakyeon nodded in return. He set the clothes down on the bed and pulled his underwear from the pile. “Foot,” he ordered softly, holding them open like he was dressing a child after their bath. Sanghyuk covered his face with a hand, raising his leg so Hakyeon could put it through the hole. He did the same with the other leg. “Do you want me to tell you 'good job'?” Hakyeon shimmied them as far up Sanghyuk’s hips as they could go, letting Sanghyuk fix them around his hips himself. He nodded. Hakyeon took his shirt and held the neck hole wide open. “You’re so good then, baby.” Sanghyuk’s lips moved, not like he was trying to speak, but rather trying to process an emotion. He quickly pushed his head through the offered hole, making Hakyeon laugh. “Okay, silly boy. Easy” He moved Sanghyuk’s arms for him, guiding him to put them through. It was a plain yellow t-shirt, nice and loose. It was one he wore a lot to bed. “Pants?” Sanghyuk shook his head this time, tucking his legs further to his side. It wasn’t unusual for him to be partially undressed for bed. Hakyeon tossed the pants to the hamper. “No pants for Hyogi then.” He turned back around, looking at his tender boy for a moment. Back to holding the blanket around him. Hakyeon leaned in and planted a kiss on his forehead. A peck so light there wasn’t even a sound. He got back into the bed with his baby. 

Sanghyuk stared at Hakyeon before the elder opened his arms, inviting him in. Sanghyuk basically fell into Hakyeon, arms around his waist and face in his neck. Hakyeon hugged him in return, sniffing at his soft hair. It was moments like this that Hakyeon realized how quiet the house could be. There wasn’t a sound around them except for the occasional kick of the air conditioning turning on. That was muffled though, only heard through the walls. Slowly, Hakyeon leaned back until they were laying down again. Sanghyuk stayed propped up on his elbows though, looking to Hakyeon.

“What, baby? You don’t want to lay down?” Sanghyuk moved his lips again, like before. The corners pushed back, making his mouth just a straight line, like he was figuring something out. Hakyeon pet his head. “It’s okay if you don’t.” He shook his head.

“Not that.”

“What’s up then, Hyukie?”

“They usually… get special names.” Holding verbal conversation was obviously going to be difficult in this headspace.

“Like mommy or daddy?” Sanghyuk nodded. “You want to call me something like that?”

“I don’ know…” He was drawing back, like he was embarrassed or he thought Hakyeon was uncomfortable. 

“It’s okay if you do, baby. You don’t have to do something like this how everyone else does. No one is going to be little exactly like you.” Sanghyuk huffed, a little breath from his nose. He dropped down, putting his head back on Hakyeon’s chest. Hakyeon fixed the blanket over him. “No matter what, you’ll be my baby. Okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

The second time, Hakyeon was more ready. Time had passed, he had done a lot of research. A lot was guided by Sanghyuk, who had looked into it much deeper than he let on when he first mentioned it. It seemed like he had been looking into it ever since Hakyeon had mentioned it. It was one of those rare instances where Sanghyuk was the one to hold Hakyeon’s hand and guide him. 

Sanghyuk was not one interested in very, very young regression. He made a face at the idea of being given a bottle or a pacifier, being completely dependent on Hakyeon. He wanted to be a little older, and Hakyeon encouraged him. He never said a specific age, but when Hakyeon sat with him going through the accounts Sanghyuk especially made for regressing, he would have shot somewhere around seven. He was a big boy, but not so big that he didn’t need Hakyeon. That was mostly assumption based on the first instance though. Hakyeon didn’t know if it was because he was shy, or that he needed a specific emotional state, but there had only been that one night where Hakyeon got to baby him. He should just wait patiently, he supposed whenever he thought about it. Sanghyuk shared this with him, that was already a feat enough. There was no purpose in Hakyeon trying to force more. In fact, in his studying, he saw that forcing it could cause more harm than good. When Sanghyuk will need him, Hakyeon will be there. 

Sanghyuk comes to Hakyeon’s place like they had talked about the night before. Hakyeon doesn’t automatically turn to look at him as he opens the door. They greet one another, and Hakyeon finally turns around when he hears the rustle of a plastic bag. Sanghyuk stopped at the store before coming here, it seemed. He hangs his coat. 

“What did you get, baby?” Sanghyuk comes to the kitchen table where Hakyeon is sitting and sets the bag down in front of the empty chair beside him. Before Hakyeon can really do anything but look at him, Sanghyuk walks away again, _almost_ a speed walk. Hakyeon watches him go down the hallway and turn into the bathroom. He looks to the plastic bag as the door shuts. Something was telling Hakyeon Sanghyuk did not want to see his reaction when he went through the bag, despite giving him the invitation to. Hakyeon bookmarked his page before pulling the bag over. Looking inside didn’t reveal anything incriminating. The first thing Hakyeon saw was just a coloring book, very plain and typical. ‘Pets’ in big bright colors with a photograph of a puppy under it. Hakyeon took it out and set it on the table. He did that with each item. Crayons, banana milk, those adorable crackers in the shapes of bears, one of those cloud-like stuffed animals in the shape of a dog. Somebody enjoyed himself at the store. Hakyeon stood up, throwing away the bag and taking the milk to the fridge and the crackers over to the counter so he could cut open the bag. He heard the bathroom door ease open. He smiled to himself, listening for Sanghyuk’s steps.

“You don't have to run away when you show me your new toys, baby.” Sanghyuk stopped walking, Hakyeon turning around to him standing by the table. “Am i going to have a little boy on my hands tonight, baby?” Sanghyuk dropped his head, nodding. He was smiling to himself, and Hakyeon couldn’t resist doing the same. He was so, so cute. “You should have told me. I would have looked forward to his visit so much.” Hakyeon crossed the kitchen, put his hands on Sanghyuk’s hips to pull him close so he could kiss his head. Sanghyuk let out a pleased little sound, twirling slightly. Oh he was a very happy boy. “Do you want to try your new stuff now?” Sanghyuk nodded, so Hakyeon stepped aside to let him sit in his chair. He did, then made that little noise again as Hakyeon wrapped his arms around his neck, face in his hair. Sanghyuk opened the crayons, pouring them all out onto the table at Hakyeon’s encouragement. It was one of the bigger boxes, twenty-five colors. “Are you going to make something pretty for Pa?” Sanghyuk nodded as best he could with Hakyeon on him. That was the name Sanghyuk chose for him. He didn’t speak much when little, so it was cut down to just a single syllable. Pa. Hakyeon happily accepted the title he was gifted with. “Do you want your snackies, too?” Hakyeon stopped putting his weight on the younger, rubbing his shoulders instead. Sanghyuk shook his head, seeming very concentrated on filling the lines of the little basket of kittens. Hakyeon sat back in his chair, watching his Hyukie. 

“I may have gotten some things for a certain boy the other day.” That stopped Sangghyuk’s coloring. He looked up at Hakyeon through his bangs. Hakyeon couldn’t smile more than he already was, unfortunately.

“What?”

“Just some little things, not too interesting.” Hakyeon feigned casualty, waving his hand as if to waver Sanghyuk’s intrigue. “I’m sure they’re too cute and babyish for my Hyukie.” He was being a little daring with that. He hoped the teasing would help with the headspace, rather than make him feel ashamed. Sanghyuk pouted his lips, the little duck, and huffed through his nose.

“I wanna see,” he grumbled. Hakyeon couldn’t resist the chuckle this time. 

“Is that how we ask, young man?” He questioned as he rose from his chair to go to the cabinet. Sanghyuk turned in his chair quickly to have his eyes follow.

“Please, pa?” Oh he sounded so cute. So earnest. Hakyeon went on his toes to snatch the items from the top shelf of the cabinet. He held them against his chest to hide the front as he came back to his boy. He laughed as Sanghyuk tried to pull them away from his chest with a finger.

“Patience! I’m going to show you!” sanghyuk put his hands in his lap in a show of good manners. Hakyeon turned the plates in his hands over so they faced Sanghyuk, showing him the cute illustrations of bunnies on one. There were three compartment plates. The second was frogs, and the third was autumnal owls and foxes. Sanghyuk batted his big eyes at them. “I got them from my family. They’re supposedly “for when the kids visit”.” He fanned them out like a deck of cards so Sanghyuk could see. Sanghyuk hesitantly grabbed the bottom rim of a plate. Hakyeon let him take it and hold it. It was tiny compared to his hands, but Hakyeon would be hard pressed to find ones of the same style in more adult sizes. 

Sanghyuk ran his thumbs reverently over the plastic, the painted bunnies running across it. 

“Are you hungry baby?” Hakyeon whispered to him, leaning in a bit closer. Sanghyuk looked up at him. It was always striking, the pure amount of innocence that could be in his eyes, the sincerity of them. It really was like looking at a child. It was only uncanny because the child was Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk, a twenty-five year old man who could swear and drink and love Hakyeon so deeply and carnally. The duality was something you adjusted to. It was another personality of your lover you had to accustom yourself to, like when you saw them with their friends for the first time, or with their parents. It was just another Hyuk, no matter how jarring. Sanghyuk pressed the plate to his chest and Hakyeon nodded. “Yes baby, we’ll use your new goodies.” Sanghyuk leaned forward, head on Hakyeon’s tummy. He rubbed his forehead against Hakyeon, mumbling a small ‘thank you’. Hakyeon laughed and pet his hair. "You're so sweet, Hyukie."

* * *

  
  


The third time was similar. Hakyeon had no idea, and Sanghyuk made no suggestion it was coming. They hadn’t even made a plan to meet. Hakyeon was bringing his laundry in, having done it at his parents while he was visiting them, when he got the text. He didn’t see it until he was in his bedroom and hanging up his clothes in the closet

_Can I stay with you tonight?_

Odd, but not concerningly so. Sanghyuk knew he would be working early tomorrow, and it was getting late already. They wouldn’t have much time together if he did. Hakyeon wasn’t against it though.

_Of course baby!_

_Everything okay?_

_Yeah_

_I’m sorry, could you pick me up?_

_It’s fine if not._

_I can, just give me a few. I just got back from my parents._

Hakyeon dropped the phone back on the bed, trying to be quick about putting everything away. He felt a little odd now, in an indescribable way. The handful of texts rubbed him the wrong way. The way it was written, it felt off. The words didn’t feel right. Hakyeon came back when he had hung all his tops, but found no additional text from Sanghyuk. His had been read though. Maybe he was worrying too much. Sometimes the mind could read subconscious cues that weren’t there at all. He put away the rest of the laundry, anxiously fixating as he opened drawers and paired socks. Sanghyuk could have just shown up, but then, he did know Hakyeon was going to be gone. He could have asked and then drove over. Why did Hakyeon have to pick him up? What was Hakyeon going to be walking into when he knocked on Sanghyuk’s apartment door to bring him down to the car? He took his keys from next to the door again, getting in for the third time today. It was close to sundown, the sun still bright, but trying to sneak its way down the treetops around Hakyeon’s neighborhood. It would be dinnertime when he and Sanghyuk got back. 

“Hey.” Hakyeon was on Sanghyuk’s doormat. His hands were folded in front of him and he tried to radiate a warmth. Sanghyuk had opened the door as soon as Hakyeon knocked, but he looked like he had been trying to go back to bed. Hakyeon stayed where he was and watched Sanghyuk shoved his things in his sweatpants pockets. 

“What’s up Hyukie? I thought we wouldn’t be seeing each other today.” He moved when Sanghyuk stepped out, locking his door behind him. He shrugged his shoulders once, but he stayed in the kind of hunched pose made from doing it. 

“If you're busy…”

“I’m never too busy for you, baby.” Hakyeon put a hand on Sanghyuk’s back before they made the way back to the elevator of the apartment. Hyuk was so quiet. Whenever Hakyeon picked him up, which in itself was a rare occasion, they usually had idle chit chat. How was your day. Good, how was yours. They'd talk about work, minor inconveniences. Tonight, the silence was something Hakyeon felt in his skin, crawling over it and finding its way in to make an anxious knot in his stomach. Sanghyuk didn't really look at him. His head was kept straight and his eyes didn't glance from the path he walked. 

"Everything is okay, right?" Hakyeon finally asked when they were out of the apartment building. The skin was golden with the shades of sunset. Sanghyuk nodded.

"Yeah." Hakyeon sighed, licking his lips briefly. 

"Okay… you'd tell me if it wasn't, right?"

"I'm fine, Hakyeon." At that, Sanghyuk looked down at his feet. Hakyeon's anxious heart was not soothed. 

The car ride was incrementally better. Hakyeon kept a hand on Sanghyuk's thigh, and the younger held his hand. It was odd, how every bit of nervous energy kept itself to his hand, making him rub his thumb over Hakyeon's hand the entire ride. He didn't speak still. Everything was as it was, except for that shifting movement. Hakyeon tried to fill the quiet. He talked about visiting his parents, making them lunch, the playful scolding he received for not accepting his mother's help. Hakyeon could tell Sanghyuk was listening, but only by his own intuition. His eyes weren't even focused on the passing scenery out the passenger window. They were glossed, hazy, like Sanghyuk wasn't there. They were definitely going to have to talk about something when they got home. 

Hakyeon let go of Sanghyuk's hand once they pulled into the driveway, Hakyeon putting the car into park. Sanghyuk's movements were slow, like he was seconds behind Hakyeon. He stared at where their hands had been before dragging his hand away, holding it close to him like he was hurt. He held his wrist , rubbing the point before his palm in circles. 

"Are you ready to go in, Hyukie?" Hakyeon watched his thumb move in that hypnotic motion. He nodded, turning to the door and opening it in two separate motions. Hakyeon followed suit, stepping out of the car. Sanghyuk was already at the door, watching Hakyeon. The elder locked the car and joined him, opening the door. They took off their shoes and Hakyeon watched his boyfriend shuffle his way into the living room, disappearing behind the wall that separated the room. Hakyeon chewed on his bottom lip, adjusting Sanghyuk's slides to be straight beside Hakyeon's shoes. It was so _quiet_. When he rounded the same corner that Sanghyuk did, Hakyeon turned on the TV in passing. Sanghyuk was on the couch already, feet up on it and thumb back to massaging his wrist. He also returned to staring soullessly at the carpet. "Did you hurt your wrist again, baby?" Hakyeon asked as he sat down on the other end of the couch. Sanghyuk shrugged. 

"I guess."

"Do you need ice or anything?" Sanghyuk shook his head. The tv had been left on the home shopping network, and Hakyeon couldn't relax enough to actually concern himself with that. He just watched Sanghyuk's thumb dig circles, press into the tendon there. Maybe Sanghyuk noticed, or hurt himself. He stopped, suddenly dropping his hands and holding his calves. He rubbed them, clutched and released the fabric of his sweatpants. Hakyeon extended a socked foot, putting it on Sanghyuk's bare one. He stopped, for a moment, looking at Hakyeon's grey sock. The clutching motion weakened. Hakyeon wrapped his foot as much around Sanghyuk's as his bones allowed; and that's how they stayed. Holding feet and pretending to watch the women on screen prattle on about today's deals. Hakyeon would comment every once in a while, attempting a touch of normality. Sanghyuk would only nod or mumble a small 'yeah' or 'that's nice'. They were selling jewelry, so it wasn't exactly his area of interest, but he wouldn't normally act so apathetic to even that he had no interest in. Hakyeon prompted the story of getting his ear pierced in a crowded party bathroom his junior year, but even that didn't rowse much of anything. It was jarring, like this was. That was loud, claustrophobic. Hakyeon's living room now was suffocatingly quiet and distant. He couldn't fill the silence by turning up the tv. That would only make it more of a weight on them. 

"Are you hungry?" Hakyeon stood, looking down at his boyfriend. He actually looked at Hakyeon now, and with eyes that actually seemed _present_. 

"I'm okay." They looked at each other for a moment, silent staring. A few blinks for either. Hakyeon didn't want it to end there, to sit down or leave the room. He felt like they were finally in the same place at the same time. Something had to help his baby. Hakyeon had to be able to help him in some small way. 

"I'm going to go wash up, if you want to join me, or just sit in there with me." Sanghyuk batted his eyes. They were innocent again, a fragile faun. He turned his head away and put his chin on his knees. 

"I can wait." 

"You're sure? I don't mind if you're in there with me baby." Sanghyuk nodded, and Hakyeon forced himself to relent. He ran fingers through Sanghyuk's hair as he passed. One last comforting touch. 

Hakyeon got his clothes for the night and a towel and went into the bathroom. He started the water, plugging the tub. He felt tension all across his muscles, but he felt this wouldn't help much with that. He was almost sick with unease about the poor boy in the living room. He really tried not to press where it wasn't wanted. Sanghyuk being near nonverbal seemed like a queue to not press, when contributing for his denial of an issue. Hakyeon didn't want to wait until Sanghyuk was ready though. He wanted to fix the problem now. He wanted to help. He always wanted to help. He should ask if anyone knew anything. His boyfriend told anything under the moon to his friend and coworker Wonshik, and Hakyeon had gotten his number when they met. He left his phone in the living room though. He waited on the rubs edge, letting it fill, before he shut the water off. He opened the door, and was met with Sanghyuk blocking the way. He seemed just as surprised to be seeing Hakyeon. 

"Did you change your mind?" Sanghyuk opened his mouth, then closed it and looked down, doing that wrist massage again. 

"You left and I- I was alone in there so I," he sniffled and the steamy bathroom dropped twenty degrees for Hakyeon, "came over but I couldn't knock. Then you…" he gestured to Hakyeon. His thumb pressed firmly into his skin. Another sniffle. 

"Hey, hey. Baby, what's wrong? You can come in, I promise!" Hakyeon reached out and Sanghyuk's hand flew up to his mouth, covering it with the back of them. It was to try and hide a hiccuped sob. Hakyeon saw the quick way Sanghyuk's body jerked with it though, heard it force it's way out of him. "Baby, it's okay," Hakyeon cooed. He stepped in again and put one hand on his boyfriend's side and another on his nape. He tried to look at Sanghyuk's face, even if it was pointed straight at the ground. "Come on in here." He managed to take Sanghyuk's hands, guide him into the bathroom. He rubbed circles on the top of the hands as he looked at his boyfriend with earnest sympathy. "What's wrong baby? What happened?" It was bad. There were the heaving breaths of someone trying to fight tears. Any attempt at a word was shut down by the hiccuping sobs. Sanghyuk's large shoulders bounced with them. "Shh... Calm down, baby. Breathe for me. You can do that, right honey? In..." Sanghyuk followed instructions, but coughed up more tears before Hakyeon could even say 'out'. "Try it again, baby. In." Sanghyuk sucked in a breath, crushing Hakyeon's fingers. "Out." He released, sniffling after. "Good boy. Let's do it a few more times, yeah? In." Hakyeon did it with him every time, guided him through. It took several attempts until Sanghyuk's breath was mostly leveled out. Hakyeon praised him every time, trying to ground him in something. He let Sanghyuk use a hand to wipe his face clean, once he relaxed a little. His hoodie sleeve was sufficiently soiled with tears and by his running nose. This was an ugly cry, something that came from deep down. "You did great, baby. I'm so proud of you, honey. Do you wanna sit, Hyukie?" He nodded and Hakyeon gently guided him to sit on the edge of the bathtub. He didn't resist when Hakyeon reached out and held his face, wiping it clean with his thumbs. He was still sniffling. He glanced at Hakyeon with wet, red eyes, but only for a moment. Their knees were touching, with Hakyeon sitting on the toilet lid and Sanghyuk on the tub. Hakyeon tried to catch his eyes again. "What's wrong, baby? Why are you crying?"

"Please don't leave me alone," he croaked. Hakyeon almost felt teary himself at the plea. 

"I won't baby. I promise." Sanghyuk sniffled, keeping his hands between his knees and pressing them together with them. He shut his eyes as Hakyeon continued to stroke his face with his thumbs. "Is that why you texted me, Hyukie?" Hakyeon asked gently. "You didn't want to be alone?" He nodded, hiccuping again. Hakyeon forced a little half smile. "I won't leave you, baby. You can stay right here with me."

"'m sorry."

"Shh, it's okay. Why would I ever want to keep my Hyukie away?" His hands slid up to Sanghyuk's hair, and he tilted his head along with them. 

Sanghyuk liked to be groomed, taken care of. He would usually indulge in Hakyeon's nurturing behavior. Haircuts, showers, after care, he liked to be fixed and cleaned by Hakyeon. Him leaning into being pet was then not a surprise. He did that when Hakyeon used a real brush and stood behind him. Maybe it could help. Maybe Hakyeon could help. He continued to card his fingers through his hair, over and over. His noise had mostly died to a sniffle. Hakyeon asked him, with baited breath and nervous heart due to the prospect that he could offend his boy, "Do you want to take a bath with appa, baby?" 

He didn't immediately respond. He didn't even act like he heard it for a moment. There was no way he couldn't have heard it in the silent house, but he didn't seem to register it. He did though. After his silence, he nodded, almost hesitantly. 

"Like that…" he mumbled, eyes still shut. Hakyeon smiled softly. 

"I thought you might baby. Do you need help with your clothes?" He let go of Sanghyuk's hair, instead running his hands down the younger's arms. Sanghyuk just raised his wrists limply. It communicated enough. Hakyeon kissed each before guiding his arms out of the hoodie. He didn't wear a shirt underneath it. "Now your head. Very good baby," Hakyeon praised as he dropped the hoodie to the bathroom floor. That's when he noticed it, the warbling black lines trailing Sanghyuk's arms. They were fat lines, shaky, like they were by a child's hand with a marker. Sanghyuk's eyes were still shut, but Hakyeon's were focused. Some lines made words, while others seemed to make senseless shapes and figures. Swirls and symmetrical flowers. The words, the letters, they made soothing reassurances. One was simply Hakyeon's name. Any faded scars would be completely hidden under the drawings and sentiments tattooing him. Hakyeon ran his hands over Sanghyuk's arms again, humming softly. "Beautiful boy." He mumbled. It felt like there wasn't another sound in the world except Hakyeon's voice and the slide of his hands on skin. The sound of Sanghyuk's feet on the floor, of the rest of his clothes falling to the floor, they were nonexistent. The world was finite. Only Hakyeon and the sound of him. "Perfect, baby. Step in for me." A hand to hold Sanghyuk's, support him as it always did. His body vaguely addressed it was in steamy water. His eyes didn't see Hakyeon's own stripping. They saw his legs tangling with his own though, his hands moving a cup through the water to gather it. He shut them when the hands came close, feeling the warm water spill over his body. "Not too hot, baby?" He shook his head, and Hakyeon hummed. "That's good."

Hakyeon filled the cup again, gently pouring the water over Sanghyuk's head. His hair stuck to his head, the water trailing in ways that drew attention to the shape of his face. There was no worried crease between his brows. Rather, he just looked sullen, like he was asleep. Hakyeon brushed his wet bangs from his face. "Such a pretty boy." Another cup of water poured over his shoulders. "I love my pretty boy." Sanghyuk sighed softly, and Hakyeon smiled. "I'm going to wash your hair now, alright baby?" The slightest of a nod. The pop of the shampoo bottle just bounced off the bathroom walls. It smelt like tea and cucumbers. Hakyeon's fingers were once more in Sanghyuk's hair. His hands were for the first time on Hakyeon's thighs. An exchange of touch. 

"There we go. Now his hair will be all clean and pretty. Do I get to brush it when we get out too?" Sanghyuk nodded once. He remained stuck to Hakyeon's thighs. Hakyeon couldn't think of a thing he could dislike any less. "Goodie. Here comes the water, darling." His eyes scrunched, prepared for the pour. Bubbles ran down him in white trails, foaming the bath water. His hair was once more a black curtain for his face. "Such a good boy." He brushed aside the younger's bangs, "you can look again, baby. If you want to." He chose against it, and Hakyeon only put body wash on his washcloth. He started at Sanghyuk's shoulders, strong and broad. They were slouched now, covered on bubbles. Gentle with his neck, and sweetly behind his ears. Hakyeon thought he saw a passing smile. His chest, so sturdy and home-like to Hakyeon. His arms, cold with old moisture. Hakyeon stopped at the elbow, looking at the ink that wanted to run from his skin because of the water. He looked to his boy. 

"Do I wash this, Hyukie? I don't want to destroy your pretty drawings." Sanghyuk's eyes finally batted open. Wet eyelashes blinking. He stared at watered ink. Those slouched shoulders raised once, shrugging. 

"S'okay…" It was slurred. Hakyeon nodded, looking at those poor tired eyes. 

"If you're okay with it, baby." He started to rub the cloth in small circles, removing patches at a time. Clean, he kissed the skin. "You're special," he mumbled against the skin. He recited the words he had cleaned away. "You're loved." He worked his way down to his wrist. "I'll always protect you," he spoke once he had cleaned his own name from Sanghyuk's skin. It didn't need to be written there, already so deeply stitched on Sanghyuk's heart. Hakyeon did the same with his other arm. When he was going to drop the cloth into the water, Sanghyuk took it. He began to wash the elder. Hakyeon smiled. "You don't have to, sweet boy. I can do it." Sanghyuk acted like he didn't hear. He copied Hakyeon, starting up and working down. Once his shoulders were cleaned, he leaned in, resting himself on Hakyeon. Hakyeon pressed their heads together, closing his own eyes. "I love you, Hyukie. You're such a good boy." Sanghyuk didn't say anything, but he kissed Hakyeon's skin, and that was enough for him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be straight up the second time was just for transition purposes kgsgkss I'm sorry I can't write rn and when I can its self indulgent sadness jfsfjsjfsfkgks
> 
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